How to Escape an Axe Murderer

2020.12.03.

If you're a thrill seeker who likes bungee jumping and off piste skiing, then we have a dozy for you. Of course, you might think of yourself as an adrenaline junkie, unfazed and unafraid of mortal danger as you dance, as close as possible and hand in hand with the grim reaper himself. But unless you're being chased by an axe murderer then you're nothing more than just a lightweight. Making your escape from a closed building containing chopped up relatives and a crazy maniac with an axe running riot, is going to rank pretty high on your bucket list of stressful situations. 

Effective Hiding

Thankfully we have literally hundreds of horror movies, with a huge number of escape and hiding options, just in case we have an axe murderer running amok in the house. Firstly you'l need to determine exactly where said maniac is situated in the home. This is so that you don't run towards him and a certain bloody death. Another factor to keep in mind is the "swing factor". In order to make mince meat from your pathetic weak body, he'll need to swing the axe. So it follows that you want to hide in a space where there isn't room for him to come at you swinging. Like somewhere with a low ceiling or narrow walls. Axes don't make very effective knives, so without the ability to actually take a big swing then he can't do you so much damage.

Wendy, I'm Home!

Your chosen place for hiding needs to be able to be barricaded. We suggest that you first barricade the main door to the room you're in. It's always better to be behind a door that opens outwards, as it make kicking the door in almost impossible. Yes, we know, he has an axe, but chopping down a door takes quite some effort. For details more please see Stanley Kubrick's "The Shining". Pile as much heavy furniture behind the door. What you're really doing is buying time. The room you decide to hide in, if you have the time to choose, should also have a means of escape itself, either another door or a window.

Remain Silent

From the movies you'll already know that it's super important to remain silent. This'll make it that much harder for the murderer to locate your position. If you're with other people, make sure know one speaks. Use hand signals to communicate. Also ensure that all portable phones are silenced. Keep in mind that just the vibration from a phone on silent mode could still give your location away. Do not yell out that you're calling the police. Between the time of your calling out and the time it's takes for law enforcement to arrive, bits and pieces of you could easily end up decorating the house, with plenty of extra time for the axe artist to escape.

If you can, you might want to try and obscure your hiding location. For example, before diving under the office desk, make sure you switch off the lights and the computer monitor. You want the area to look totally unoccupied. Be aware that using your phone will probably emit some light, so make sure the murderer in in another part of the house before placing any calls. 

No Huddling

Whatever you do, don't all huddle together if there are more than one of you hiding. You all need to find your own individual hiding places. This will increase the chances of each individual surviving. Remember that if he finds one, then the others might survive. But if you're all huddled together, then it's goodnight for everyone. As for hiding spots, you want to be under, inside or behind anything that'll obscure your shape. So, behind floor length curtains, under desks and beds, inside the washing machine or behind the clothes hanging in the closet. On the whole, the less obvious the hiding place, the more difficult it'll be to find you.

Play Pretend Dead

If there are already victims from an axe attack, then there'll be a lot of blood. In this case you might want to hide in plain view by playing dead among the victims. But for this there needs to be a number of bodies strewn around. Hopefully the killer isn't keeping count. If you lie face down, then it's less likely that the mad man will spot you moving. But on the other hand, being face down will certainly increase the stress levels as you can't see what's going on. Try not to fart!

Call For Help

Following movie tropes this is always a bad idea. It'll turn out that the policeman who arrives will actually be the brother or father of the deranged mad man, and he'll happily hand you over to make a human steak dinner. But in the real world, calling for help as soon as you can, may save your life. If you can't call, then text someone whose not in the same building and ask them to call the cops. It's a good idea to text as many people as possible in case one of them fails to see your message. You'll need to describe everything in as much detail as possible. Just follow the instructions given by the trained police operator.

Run Away

Obviously running away is going to be preferable than hiding. And there's no shame to running from a big angry guy with an axe. It's no less macho to run away than to face him. In the movies you could easily disable him with a couple of well place karate kicks. And though movies might be based on real life, they rarely work out as neatly as the hero riding off into the sunset having saved the day with all his limbs intact. If there are a number of you in the building, and some are reluctant to run, then don't hesitate to leave them. As you are running out, you should point out their hiding place to the maniac, so that he'll go looking for them as opposed to pursuing you. (Just kidding!). Leave all your belongings behind. Try to put as much ground and as many obstacles between your and your axe wielding chaser. 

Find A Safe Haven

Don't just run out blindly. Know where you're going. For starters make sure you're heading to a safer location than the one you've just left. Find somewhere from where you can call for help. Don't run into your neighbor's house as there's a good chance that the axe man will see you enter. Also you'll be putting them in danger. If you're close to nature, then head for the trees. If there are cars parked, then use them to hide behind.

Fight

In some cases, you'll have no choice but to deck it out, mano a mano. Or rather mano a hache! Now, we should point out that this is the very last option. It's about your very survival. If you decide to stand your ground and fight, understand that there can be no half measures. If you make a half-hearted effort, then you'll lose your life. You have to be determined to kill your opponent. That's the only way you could hope of maybe disarming or incapacitating them, thus allowing you to escape by running away. A gun can be helpful, but you might be surprised as to how many shooters actually miss their target at point blank range thanks to the jitters of extreme fear and stress, which comes from having a huge shouting mad man running at you brandishing a nice shiny axe . In the movies, the action always moves to the kitchen, simply because there's always a nice block of new kitchen knives on the counter top. But the chances are, that when push comes to shove, you'll have no other option than using your two bare hands. In that case, keep aiming for the sensitive parts, the eyes, stomach and groin area. 

Make An Improvised Weapon

Where ever you are, look around for anything that could be made into a weapon. A pencil or pen are great starters. You need anything that might inflict some harm. Also, look for things that might be of use as a shield of sorts. For example, a backpack could be swung around, as well as used as to shield yourself. Umbrellas, fire extinguishers, large lamps and heavy ashtrays can all serve as a means of inflicting some serious damage. Once he's swung the axe, and providing you don't have any limbs between the wall or the floor and the axe, and provided he doesn't land a clean head shot, you'll be able to spring into action before he gains the momentum for the next swing. Whatever happens, don't be afraid of hurting the assailant. You'd be surprised as to the sheer punishment the human body and take and still move forwards.Your job is to hurt him enough so that he's incapacitated. That takes either a lot of lost blood or a massive amount of head trauma. As soon as he goes down, don't hang around trying to make meaningful conversation. You just want to make your escape as quickly as possible. 

An Escape Room Game 

Not to make light of a serious, though thankfully, rare occurrence, if you want the terrifying experience but without the possibility of actual harm, then get yourself over to a horror escape room game. Many incorporate all sorts of grisly killers who are trying to get to you, whether to dispatch you with an axe or simply feast on you al dente, as you run around in terror. You'll need to find all the clues and solve all the puzzles in order to escape. As the clock ticks down the remaining time, you'll be surprised as to the levels of sheer nail-biting and brow sweating stress, that a nutter with a cutter coming through the door to your room could be at any minute. Gulp! 
 

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